Hi,

Thanks for you reply Anita. I was hit as a child maybe till the age of 13-14 if I did something wrong. But that’s parents correcting their child. I was never hit after that. This was the first time this year after ages. I mentioned that ‘I still feel guilty about what i did as never in my life i want to hurt anyone as i know how bad it can be’ because during my first year, there was a guy who liked some other girl and wanted to date her but was with me to just for a casual relationship but had never mentioned this till he started dating her (and she doesnt even know about it). I liked him and felt so hurt when he left.

I still love my ex and I had called him to talk about it. I really wanted him to know that even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you can’t  hit someone for any reason at all. He argued that he didn’t see a choice as I would always lie to him about it and I said that to that there is always an option of walking out. He said he tried to walk out but I would always find a way to talk to him (especially cause we shared the same workplace), which is right about, I couldn’t let this breakup happen. I finally asked him if he was sorry for hitting me and he said yes. He said he shouldn’t have. He knew that day when he hit me we had crossed a line and maybe we both couldn’t go back. But I think we both have the fear of letting go.

I talked to him yesterday and he said he still has feelings for me (its true for my side too). But he said he isn’t sure if he can trust and respect me the same way he did before all this happened. I asked him if there is a way he can forgive me for what I did, he said he isn’t sure and not to keep my hopes high. I fear that what if we talked and got back together and decided to never cheat or ever hit, things might become better. But what if i continue this and again it doesnt work out. Technically, I tried last 6 months just cause he said we will try. But this time, he knows the entire truth about cheating, so maybe he might actually try it? he said if he knew I had cheated like that, he wouldn’t have ever slept with me and have a connection we have (we both have slept with only each other in our life).

I am scared that this has become toxic beyond a point (as a friend mentioned to me, but obviously she would defend me). He said we can continue talking and see but I don’t what the future has anymore. I am scared that more efforts will just go in waste if it doesnt work out.