Anita…

So much has been going on in my head.

Why do I miss Glen….like a lot ? Ughh

I feel like I’m second guessing my decision..

& John things are just okay. Nothing spectacular. I don’t know if me and John just aren’t on the same page. Or he just isn’t that into me anymore. Or the fact that I live a hour away stifles our way of doing the dating thing how we are used to.

But it seems like when I’m there things are good. And then I leave and it’s like we’re associates of sorts. We don’t really talk when we’re apart and probably see him every 2 weeks and I go up there.

I cant get mad at someone for not feeling exactly how I feel exactly when I feel it but I just sometimes don’t know what to expect from him and our interactions.

I know this isn’t a movie and I didn’t expect him to just leap into my arms the day we met up but since then it’s just been kind of the same monotone thing. There are moments of spark but others lack luster. I don’t really give as much as I did before because it is risky me being there exposed; my feelings all out and to do the actions that reflect my feelings would just be too much without any commitment from him. Giving him everything hurt last time so I have kind of a wall up and he can tell.

I try to examine how he is thinking. Last weekend we hung out Friday-Sunday. We went to one of his events out of town and it was nice. But also reminded me of who exactly I was dealing with too.

Nobody is perfect. I know.

But back to my earlier metaphor. I didn’t expect the Disney “oh I’ve been waiting for you all this time let’s go get married” but it’s been 4 months since we have been dating again and I don’t really even feel a shift in his feelings. Like his handling of me is still the same.

We had a discusssion about my feelings on the drive back last Sunday and he just listened and conversed with me. We have a very healthy line of communication. But he as well said that transparently he doesn’t feel that “want” for me yet. I can appreciate the honesty. Because frankly we both know I didn’t leave my relationship FOR him. And I don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship with him Right Now. I just feel like it should feel different. Or something should be different. But I can’t decide if I’m overthinking it or not.

Hunt and me are threwwww.

If I get nothing less from any of the past guys I interact with. I just want closed/locked doors so I can move on with my life

yes or no answers. In a lot of my lingering relationships in the past I now I noticed the big thing in common was the lack of closure

nothing shutting the door on our relationship but just leave it cracked and then those same dudes who end up not being important effect the relationships I’m actually in. It’s a issue.

Like Hunt ; it’s a pretty hard pill to swallow that I literally am fine with never talking to him again . It is a revelation of about 3 weeks ago. However I still think, the birthday fiasco would have never happened if I had realized this before. If I had this closure before that it was clear he doesn’t care about me, we aren’t for each other and so on. But as well being confident in that. So that I don’t even think him because I know I don’t want that anymore based on the clear actions he showed me over the past few months. But that really put a huge strain on my relationship. It’s why we started talking..

As welllll in my months of solitude I have realized many things and to jump back to Glen that’s I guess where these thoughts creep in.

I’ve been doing good with ignoring the Glen thoughts. But (short story) John had 2 events that weekend. The day before I was supposed to come he called me and said yeah so I got booked and I just wanted to tell you since your coming that you can come with. But also I wanted to tell you last time I was here your ex (Glen) was here. So you can decide. It’s up to you if you don’t want to go I understand.

but in that moment. It’s was like he made him a person again. The little box I placed him in my mind is gone and I had to decide whether or not to go.

I didn’t go.

For more than 1 reason. I was sick. I was kinda tired. But also…because of him.

I can’t place why. But the fact that I didn’t want him to see me there with him Idk what to do with that.

So yeah. That’s all the anxious thoughts I need help sorting thru. Lol

ill wait for your reply in the morning. 🙂