Dear caroline:

So good to read your very positive post!

“I am really working towards putting great distance between me and my family… My mum is angry with me and right now I don’t care as I think about all the times they have both hurt me… I honestly feel  ok with leaving them behind”- excellent.

“My daughter.. it has been peaceful between us, there has been the odd time where she has been challenging but I dealt with it calmly and I can see that its worth it”- wonderful, you dealt with it calmly, excellent.

Your attitude is patient and gentle with yourself,  and in so being, it is promising: “I know its still early days and im not quite confident enough to feel that I would be ok if I never saw them again but hopefully in time day by day the idea of this will seem easier“, regarding your mother and sister, and “I want to regain her trust and I know this will take time“, regarding your daughter.

I think that the fact that you have kept a distance between you and the ones mistreating you, that is, your mother and sister, made it possible for you to have this peaceful time with your daughter as the two issues are connected.

“I thought sacrificing my feelings for her to spend time with her cousins was worth it but I see now it wasn’t”- a valuable lesson! The best you can do, really, for your daughter is to feel as calm as possible in her presence and during interactions with her and to act  calm no matter how you feel.

But to feel calm, you need to not be mistreated, or be reminded of past mistreatment, and that is what happens when you are in contact with your mother and sister, either they mistreat you again or the sight of them activates past mistreatment, a no win situation for you.

As your daughter returns to school, remain calm with her. Even if she yells at you, let’s say, assert yourself … but calmly. Calm assertion is strong assertion, unlike yelling at her in return, let’s say, that would be … loud but weak.

Keep doing what works for you. I am looking forward to another update from you, and hope it flows easily or easier than before.

anita