Dear Annie:

What was before you met him, that is now gone. You got used to living with him, you adjusted well, best you could and that adjustment is making your life now painful.

It is similar to a person who spent years in prison, often miserable to be locked up but he or she got used to it, adjusted well, found comfort in the structure of prison life, in the predictability. Then being released, that structure, that life is all gone and life feels scary “on the outside”. Often prisoners released re-offend on purpose so to go back to prison.

The best solution, as I see it, is that you do not resume the relationship with him. Going back to the prisoner example, when the released prisoner returns to prison, it may be worse for him, conditions made worse. So it is in your case: if you had a child with him, for example, that would make it worse for you.

Don’t resume a relationship with him. Instead, slowly start a life with a new structure. Look at your day and structure it: add a daily visit to the gym, or a daily walk outside. This is a beginning of a new structure. Attend a weekly or bi-weekly visit to a support group (such as Codependent Anonymous) where you can meet people and share. Visit this site and post daily, another structure. It takes time and patience, but a new structure will bring you that feeling of relative safety and you can take it from there.

If available to you, good psychotherapy/ counseling can be very helpful.

What do you think?

anita