What do you think keeps us so afraid and hesitant? Of course these are two different circumstances and we are different people with different experiences, but I feel like I would feel the way that you do now if I ever even made it to four years. I don’t think necessarily that I’m obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend… I actually didn’t think I wanted one… but I really value bonds and connections with people, and remember trying to convince myself early on that I didn’t want commitment cos it sucks and people hurt you. I didn’t realize I actually started believing myself. Idk there are times, like now, where I feel calm and safe. I’m not speaking with him right now, but I feel like it can work. I just don’t know why I know that’s bound to change, and if I’m “supposed” to fight through it, talk to him about every single feeling, or just let it happen… Okay obviously it’s the last one… but how do you just let go of the fear and expectations? It’s always about believing that the other option is better. My mind plays games with me, making me believe that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I kind of want to just say to him “I know I’ve confused you, and I know it’s been like a week since I told you I wasn’t sure, but that’s me escaping to my safe, fantasy world. The truth is I still think about you and making it work even if we don’t talk as much, so let’s just give it a shot. I like you, I feel calm with you, and I am capable of making you feel good too. I can’t promise that I will be present all of the time, but I can guarantee that that is what I want more than anything. And I don’t want to miss this opportunity when I finally get out of this. If I do anytime soon… and if I don’t well hey, I still manage to commit to life and no matter how bad I may feel sometimes, this is the only one I got and I’m going to make sure I appreciate it.”

I don’t know if that’s a good idea though. Sigh.

I don’t like how disposable relationships and people seem to be now. It’s one thing to stay when it’s toxic but I’m so used to just paralyzing in fear and leaving. But then again 2/3 of my serious boyfriends have been toxic so that was a good thing… Maybe I just need to get to know him better… and let go of the fear of him getting over me. With or without a partner I have committed to healing, it would just be nice to have someone who I know chooses me for the long run, and someone who I can help achieve their goals too… without it feeling fake or forced.