Dear noted:

“I love her (your mother)”- we all love our mothers, born to love her, can’t help loving her no matter how  much we hate her. The biological reason we love our mothers no matter who they are, how unloving they are, is because a child needs her mother so badly. When she is not loving, we make believe that she is best we can: “she’s really a nice person with good intentions” when she is not.

Having read your story here both your parents were bad parents, both hurt you. Your mother surpassed your father in hurting you by pointing the finger of blame at him while she herself neglected and mistreated you, sharing with you information she shouldn’t have (him not wanting to take her to the hospital and causing the dislocation in your shoulders).

You wrote: “I really don’t want to separate myself from my mom”. It scares you to separate from her because, from birth, we are scared of being separated from  our mothers. Problem is that you are scared and have been scared not being separated from her all these years.

“I’m a numb ball of anxiety that is working every single day on getting better and feeling alive again”- and you will continue to experience life this way unless you resolve your relationship with your mother by no longer having one. Your healing will start once you exit this relationship that is keeping you anxious and numb.

It is “impossible for me to see her as a  loving mother who is worthy of respect” because she is not a loving mother who is worthy of your respect. It may require you attending competent psychotherapy to fully accept this reality, a reality you are already aware of but refusing to accept.

anita