Prash and Anita

I seem to be losing that fight. Because i don’t know in which dark place i am. When he initially tried to reconcile i felt it is not genuine concern, he values me the least or i am of no concern to him. I was appalled at that since he used to say that he loves me the most and he will not be able to live without me. I used to believe that he loves me though my gut feeling was opposite since i was not feeling it is right. Everything which i got was a privilege, that was issue and fight within.

I let him go and then when i was proved right in terms of his behavior i am in shock more. It seems i was blind while everyone could sense that something is wrong. I keep going back and thinking i could have corrected something or stayed with him. I had a nice house, a routine and a luxury of people believing i have got everything so i was ok normal and invisible . I had everything but i was not happy then also.

I have convinced myself that he has won, he got the money what he wanted. He is happy, while i knew living with him that he used to do things and leave them halfway. Be frustrated. But in my mind everyone is happy and i am loser. I don’t see what i have, keep comparing constantly. I had achieved what i wanted in life within 3 years of working and then lost it all within 3 days. He didn’t do much work and enjoyed life. He ensured he is in touch with his family while i got so busy working that i lost all time. now i am disconnected with my parents and find myself doing stupid things. Is this jealousy or what is love. Till when will i feel this. while writing above also i feel like a fool, but what i did was out of love and no greed then why i am suffering while he enjoys. I am still young as everyone says but i feel i have lost life. I keep convincing myself that people have lost more, times will change. i am not in worse off situation. I am independent, can rebuild a life for me, but it all goes waste because all thoughts come back. No one can make me happy unless i am happy. Am i selfish, what did i do wrong. How he has peace which i don’t. Why i have so many questions while he doesn’t. Is it because i moved out of house and all changed for me. I feel stupid. is it ego. I have spoken to friends at length and sought counselling but i am reaching a point of no return and i feel i will take a stupid decision at end of this road. i dont know if i made sense. do i still love him is that the issue i dont want to admit but if yes then how can i love a person who didnt care about my safety and dignity as a husband, who broke promises of starting a family, who spent lavishly and irresponsibly while i slogged in office. Why cant i accept that it was not love because if it was then he would have come back for us no matter what or does it only happen in movies. All i wanted was love and i am here sitting alone still looking for it. Is world so scary place devoid of all this. Where am i stuck.