Dear Laika:

Well done, both of you did very well, I am impressed. Reads to me that there is a reason to hope that you and him do make it work as an effective team. I do hope so.

Not of a specific to you significance, yet interesting to note the difference between men and women: he started his list of expectations with the physical: “Keep a nice looking body as you do now”. You didn’t.

He wrote: “To talk to me more about problems you have or may have in the future. To let me know if you’re not sure about something” and you wrote: “3. That he is open and tell me what is wrong so I don’t feel like I need to read his mind.. 10.That you tell me if I did something that upset you instead of holding it in or forgetting about it”-

This is key to becoming an effective team: better and better communication, “that we keep communicating with each other and that we’re open about things, that we listen to each other”. When you are not sure about something he said, or didn’t say, ask him (in a non-aggressive way, aiming at getting information or understanding) and he should do the same with you. Asking is very important.

If you are not sure he listened to you, you can ask him to repeat what you said. Again, it is very important for good communication that the two parties feel safe with each other, not scared of being attacked in any way, not scared that one’s words will be used against the one saying them.

Better not punish honesty, no matter how much we don’t like what we hear. If angry about something just said, better sit with it for a while before responding, so to create and maintain the feeling of safety for both people in the relationship.

It is nice that he knows that you are smart and that he likes you for being smart, nice and kind (“Keep on being smart… keep being the nice kind person I fell in love with”), but make sure that you being nice and kind does not mean that you are passive, that is not assertive. Make sure you aim at your own well being first, which is your number one responsibility. Aim at your own well being in a Win-Win relationship, Win for you and Win for him.

He wants you “To be patient with everything that comes your way”, good, but patiently waiting forever is not a good idea. Wait for him for as long as it is reasonable to wait.

Your # 5: “That you don’t joke around about girls to try and make me jealous”- this one is most important in this regard: unlike your expectation “15. That we both try earn money for our future together” which is a long term goal, #5 is an immediate goal.

If he doesn’t respect your very reasonable need and expectation that he doesn’t  joke around about girls, that will be evidence of his lack of love for you, lack of respect and consideration, and if that happens, if he disregards this repeatedly (let’s say more than maybe a blurting of a joke one time when he drank some wine or so), then there is no point  in aiming at the long term goal, # 15.

Regarding the long term practical goals, yours: “9. That you have goals in life… 15. That we both try earn money for our future together”. His: “I want you and I to be together living and working together on building a great home for our future with a great environment..”- you mentioned money, he didn’t. His goal is “a great home”, but to have a home, money is required.

Reads to me that although some things bother him about living at home with his mother and siblings, he is relatively comfortable there and is not very motivated to do what is distressing to him: find a job and moving out (so to live with you). It may very well be that he will look for and find a job and so on, but he is not in that habit yet and it is distressing to change habits.

Question is how long do you wait and are you willing to consider a lifestyle in which you work full time and he works part time or not at all.

There are other expectations I didn’t attend to, they read reasonable. My suggestion at this point is that the two of you separately, without comparing or discussing it, clean up the list, that is, combine some expectations (keeping each expectation short and clear), remove a few  that are less urgent, and come up with, let’s say four expectations each, expectations that are most important and immediate to your relationship.

anita