I dont really know why, thats kinda the point of my question. As to why I have acted in that way up till now I guess its partly how I was raised, I come from a Catholic family so im sure those lessons tough to be from that viewpoint have stuck with me even though I dont believe in religion. I guess deep down I feel like the world would be a much better place if we all where willing to do a bit more of whats best for those around us and not so much just whats best for us even at the huge expensive of others. All I can think to kinda show you what I mean is give you a story of how I act..When I use to drive to work every day part of my drive is a place on the highway that goes from two lanes down to one at a exit ramp. There are tons of signs that way please form one lane, this lane ending etc on the lanes thats getting ready to disappear.  I always get right over as soon as the first sign comes up, if we all get over then we would form one lane and all get to go, but there are half the people who ignore the signs, they ride that disappearing lane down till they are driving half on the shoulder of the road and then cut in on everyone making traffic stop, they do this to save themselves about 10 min of time but what it does it make everyone behind them who had obeyed the signs wait longer an longer. I hate these people. I dont understand why they done just get in line with the rest of us, we are all equal, all of our time is somewhat valuable, why are they so selfish and self important? Dont they see that what they are doing is bad for the whole group? that they are saving themselves 10 min and costing 100 other a half hour? I dont feel this way because I think god is mad at them I feel this way because in general im the kinda person who believes that we should all be willing to carry an equal burden in times its called for.

As for if im searching for something, I guess I am. I envy people who think they have the answers to life, It must be very comforting to believe that there is a loving god whos watching out for you..But no matter how much I wish that was true I cant make myself believe its true…I just dont have the faith required to believe something my mind wont accept.