Dear Mystique:

“I love my mother, she has many great and wonderful personality traits”- a child automatically loves her mother, every child does, no matter who the mother is. This strong love is biological, the child needs the mother to survive, therefore she loves her.

“No matter what atrocious insult comes out of her mouth when she’s angry or in pain we’ve had to swallow it with a smile”- but that didn’t lessen her pain or her causing you/ others pain. Why swallow it then, and why swallow it with a smile.

“I feel as though if I do this she will not be learning anything. She will not take responsibility for her actions/ inactions”-

She will  not be learning anything no matter what you say or do. What she did learn early on is that abusing you and others is allowed to happen so she makes it happen. It is her habit. If you don’t allow her to abuse you personally, she will not be significantly deprived because she has others to abuse.

Let’s say you end a phone call with her or a visit in person once she starts verbally abusing you: if you were the only abuse-recipient in her life, she may learn to no longer abuse you so to not be completely alone. But she has other people available, therefore she is likely to abuse you again no matter what you do. If you don’t like it, too bad, is likely to be her attitude because she is not desperate for your company, she has others.

“What do I do?”, you asked. My answer: bring that cake to your father, walking through the war zone called your mother. Maybe she will be firing at you, maybe she will not. But with courage and a cake, make it through. After that, stay away from her, simply stay away.

She will be just as she is now without you in her life. On the other hand, you will be better off without her in your life, and so will your husband and children.

anita