Dear Cat:

You are welcome. Counseling is an excellent idea, with a competent, empathetic and capable counselor/ therapist.

You read like a good person, not selfish, not self centered, but considerate of others. I re-read your few posts and this is what I think is happening: when you saw your now ex boyfriend wounded, you saw yourself wounded as well. When you felt empathy for his “childhood wrought with abuse”, you had your own childhood in heart, as you thought about his. In that moment when you “saw the real him, lovely”, I think you saw you as well, lovely.

When we feel empathy for another person, we see ourselves in them. When your daughter started calling him daddy on the phone, you felt scared for her, afraid that she will be hurt. You felt that way because of your hurt, you were afraid she will be hurt like you were. “She’s too fragile and young”, just like you were, just like you still are underneath.

Your anger is about the abuse you experienced with your parents, different from the abuse your ex boyfriend experienced, but abuse nonetheless. You “couldn’t take one more heartbreak, one more ounce of pressure. One more disappointment” because you experienced heartbreaks, pressure and disappointments.

“his empathy struck me like a punch to the face” because it brought up your feelings of hurt from underneath the surface to the surface and it felt powerful.

I think it does take a capable counselor to provide the safe and calm environment where your feelings can come to the surface in smaller doses so they don’t overwhelm you like a “punch to the face”. Once that happens, over some time, the intensity of these feelings will weaken and you will be able to see clearly, no longer confused.

I hope to read more from you if and whenever it feels right for you to post here.

anita