Hi Niv, As soon as I started reading your post it resonated with me. I haven’t had the exact experiences you have, but I do very much relate to the pain and feeling not good enough, that I don’t fit in. I have been through a hell of a lot and suffered a lot of pain in my life. I’m in my early 40s and have only just started doing deep inner work the past three months. I got to a similar point like you of having enough. I made the choice to look deep within and started writing whatever came out. As I looked within for answers to my pain instead of to other people, I discovered that I had constantly abandoned myself trying to fit in and be accepted and loved by other people. I was constantly giving all my power to other people, which left me with only enough to keep surviving, to just get through. I also realised that in this low state I was only attracting deeply damaged people who were very toxic in different ways. They mirrored how I felt about myself. People who were never going to really see me and treat me right. I realised I had no real strong boundries in how I let others treat me, and how I completely sold myself out to be accepted. This was destroying my soul, my very essence. What I started to do was be the kind of friend to myself that I was desperately looking for, give myself that love I desperately ached for others to give me, tell myself I was good enough. I used to hate hearing how it all starts with you, I now know that’s true. No one else can give me that love, they can only add to what’s already there. It’s painful and confronting to just stop and take some time to look deep within and face your pain, but I’ve found answers and clarity I never thought I would. I’m by no means healed, some days I’m just over it. But through this process I have become friends with myself, I’m feeling better and better about myself. The biggest thing I did was put up new stronger boundries when it comes to how I let others treat me, say no when I mean no, avoid toxic people who just take and take and never give back. I protect myself now, I count on myself and I am my number one priority. I give myself my own seal of approval. I felt that my story might resonate with you Niv. I’m not going to sugar coat anything and patronise you. I’m still going through this, I get incredibly lonely and overwhelmed and feel like giving up frequently. But the difference now is the hand that reaches out to pull me through is my own. Niv, you like all of us deserve to be loved and treated right. Try and be gentle and compassionate with yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, be your own friend and get to know you 🙂