Dear Niv:

You mentioned in your most recent post “the unwillingness to settle for less than I wanted”.

You wrote in your original post: “Most of the times I feel I am just a loser and piece of s(*& that no one wants”-

a woman believing this will settle for anyone almost as a romantic partner, feeling less than and grateful to be wanted by someone, be it whomever it may be. But not you, for years, your unwillingness to settle for less than you wanted kept you uninterruptedly single.

Why weren’t you desperate like so many women, willing to settle for anything, I asked myself and looked for answers. You wrote earlier that you tried “to fight fights that weren’t mine or tying to be some sort of savior”, and that you “wouldn’t be happy in a small (teaching) institution”.

I think that you alternate between feeling “just a loser”, inferior to others and feeling superior to others, one able to save others, to defy societal norms, be a hero perhaps, to make it big in academia and so forth. It is common for a person feeling less than to also feel more than others, to alternate between extremes. The high of feeling more-than compensates at times for the low of feeling less-than.

It is the more-than extreme that is keeping you out of a romantic relationship, is what I am thinking. What do you think?

anita