Dear Nichole:

I understand that you feel “so much pain”. As a matter of fact, I too felt a similar pain about my mother, only I felt it while she was alive. I will explain:

Like you, I too observed my mother being in a whole lot of pain. I saw her in pain day after day, year after year. It was heart breaking, broke my heart. It wasn’t just her physical pain but her emotional pain that I witnessed, clearly it was a terrible pain, how she cried, how she described her pain…

You wrote about your mother, “I can’t stop feeling guilt from not being able to save her”. I felt guilty more than four decades for not having saved my mother from her pain. Anytime I felt joy I stopped myself, thinking about her pain, thinking I must not feel joy before she is happy, or okay.

You may think there is no logic to it, for a little girl to feel responsible for a woman’s pain, be it her mother. Well, there is no more logic to you feeling responsible. You didn’t bring about your mother’s original pain (it took place before you were born), the addiction, and secondary pain caused by the addiction.

The guilt feels real but there is no real responsibility.

As sad as it is that your mother suffered, and it is sad, it is also sad that you suffered and that you currently suffer. I wish you didn’t.

As sad as it is that your mother is dead, remember, you will die too. We all will. So for now, for as long as you are alive, better you suffer less, better you don’t suffer at all. Let the sadness be, but remove the guilt.

anita