Dear Notebookb6:

Regarding the Assertive part of EAR, it is a skill that you learn over time and practice. Most people are either aggressive or passive at any one time. Either one is harmful. Being assertive is helpful not only for the person practicing it but also to the other person involved. I am sure there is plenty of literature on it, I imagine there are books and workbooks to help with that.

Does it mean to initiate contact with another person? Not necessarily. IF the person told you before hand that he doesn’t want contact with you and you disregard his assertion (telling you he wants no contact), then by initiating contact you are disrespecting him, which is a form of aggression, not assertion.

If the person didn’t tell you to not contact him, but each time you did, he did not reciprocate by initiating contact with you, you will  be hurting yourself if you initiate contact once again. Being assertive is closely connected to the E and the R of the ear.

Regarding your current “1. social anxiety”- it is a reactivation of your anxiety at home as a child. Regarding “2. fear of being judged” and “3. fear of betrayal”, these fears exist because you were already judged and betrayed by your parents. You are afraid of experiencing this again. We don’t fear what we didn’t experience yet, we fear what already hurt us in the past.

I think you have crushes on guys because you have a strong need for bonding, what you didn’t and don’t experience at home. This is what motivates those crushes. If you believe it is so, then you won’t judge your crushes as an indication of a bad character. You will have empathy for yourself for being so desperate for bonding, for love. When we didn’t experience it early and for so long, we get desperate for it.

What should I do to fix it?”- correct understanding of what motivates you and empathy for yourself are necessary ingredients in fixing lots of things.

anita