Hi Anita

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I hear, understand and want to commit to the first priority you state. I’ve made this decision/commitment after finally telling him the whole truth. I realize now that this quick and easy distraction brings no healing, but only does more harm. Obviously to the man I betrayed, but also to myself now that I am trying to take responsibility for my emotions and actions.

I do relate to your the experience you’ve shared. That’s why I believe and hope that the relationship with my boyfriend can be healed. I’ve used the infidelity as a way to cover up unresolved conflicts within myself but was also just straight up impulsive, careless about my prtner’s feelings and ignorant to the consequences.

Even though I did feel guilty after doing so, I’m just starting to process everything I did now that it is out in the open and I can no longer run from it. I could run from it, but that’s not what I want as it would erase every hope of reconciliation with my boyfriend and would do me more harm too. I want to take responsibility and make a change both for him and for me. The betrayal and continuous lying feel connected to the numbness I’ve created in myself as well as my (un)conciously ignoring of both mine and his feelings.

I’ve never shared on this forum before, but am so grateful for your vision and reply on the emotional crisis I find myself in.