I truly appreciate you taking time to help me think/feel/talk  this through.

I have a good relationship with my mother, but it’s only recently (about a year) that we’re sharing our difficulties and the emotions we experience. We don’t discuss them deeply but let each other know when we’re in pain or when we don’t know where to go or what to do with our feelings.

My father however never really showed his emotions to me. I believe this is partly because I have a deeper bond with my mother and the relay between my parents was difficult. Difficult meaning they never could connect with each other and fights/pain/frustrations could never be resolved or cleared up but just put away until the next fight where everything got blurted out.

With all that has happened, I just to call myself apathetic, careless (both in a positive and negative way), etc but now I’m starting to believe I just never learned how to connect with my inner emotions and just overcompensated feeling with rationalization. Even now when my partner is clearly in pain and I am too, I cannot stop to think how ‘other people are going through worse’. Which is very true, but right now it is time to immerse myself into the love I feel for my partner so that he feels it and could maybe one day some day repair the damage this awful betrayal has done.

Even while typing this I say how I feel but cannot seem to really feel it. The words that are streaming out of my fingertips must be coming from somewhere but why can’t I truly feel them?