Hi John,

Thank you for your advice and i will take it on board,  i agree with some of it and yes i have often wondered am i still depressed, when i was on medication i didn’t feel it was doing anything although it must have been because when i came off one to go on to another i felt so much worse, and now i have been off medication over a year the darkness has lifted but has been replaced by the emptiness, but i don’t feel depressed anymore i just feel like i have no direction, no motivation, no goal, no ambition, no will to live (but not because i am in a dark place like depression) but because if i cant get myself to move forward i will be stuck in this place forever and that would be just as torturous,  and i feel more emotional too, i’m 49, 6ft, 20 st, ex bodybuilder and boxer, I look like a bull dog chewing a wasp but when i watch a movie with a sad part or a happy ending i’m sitting there crying or when i think of my son and granddaughter i get emotional, i don’t feel like a man anymore i feel like a whipped pup and for someone with my background it’s crushing me, i do see your point John that i could still be depressed and instead of being in that dark place that terrified me for 5 yrs i have replaced it with another place of emptiness it is a very good point and i have thought about it but dismissed it maybe because i was so relieved i had got through my dark depression that i didn’t want to use that word depression again,  but i also don’t want to go back to the medication either, I am taking amitriptyline 25 mg at night for the past 8 weeks for sciatica pain, maybe that is helping the depression a bit but i don’t want to be going back to maximum dose of citilapram or sertraline, since looking on tiny Buddha i have seen a few posts and some great advice and suggestions, i know deep down i must drag my arse out of the chair, i need to lose weight due to putting it on during my depression, i used to draw and write, i enjoyed fixing things, i used to love walking, being a ex bodybuilder i loved the gym although i have no desire to go back to such excessive training plans, i used to love swimming, i want to learn how to airbrush and maybe airbrushing motorbike tanks, i have lots of ideas but i just don’t have the will or the motivation and i’m far from a lazy person, i may have become one due to the depression but in the past i have been a builder, painter decorator and taxi driver, i think i am still in that vicious circle but it has become a bit brighter now and i need to find a way of braking that cycle, your words have helped me realize that i still need some help, maybe i am trying to move forward to quickly but also that makes me feel a bit sad because i thought i may be near the end of it, maybe some of you have some suggestions on moving forward, i will look on here now at moving forward posts,

peace and love to you all

Paul