Dear Shelbyville:

I would  like to help you, therefore I suggest the following: for you to heal and  move forward it  will not be about “looking for tips”, or  more  tips. You already have all the tips available, which you shared so clearly   and  generously with  others on your other thread. Healing will take challenging and rethinking  some assumptions that you made.

I believe that the  labels you used to explain you, your ex boyfriend, the relationship and the breakup (HSP and empath for yourself and commitment  phobe for him) are such assumptions that need to be challenged. As is, these very labels may be keeping you from learning and healing.

Maybe he was afraid (phobic)  not  so much of commitment as from feeling not-good -enough for the rest of his life if he marries  you (You wrote that he told  you  that he felt that way repeatedly while in the relationship with you).

It is  possible that  you were not aware (and therefore not perfectly sensing and empathetic as the labels you identify with suggest) that he was miserable feeling that way  and that something  had to be done or changed  then, over the  months and years of the relationship so to correct your communication to  him.

On this thread you wrote: “I would see the loss as his, which everyone else tells me it is. Even my therapist feels he didn’t deserve me,  but due to whatever issues he has himself, he couldn’t go further with me”-

people say these things without thinking if these  things are true because  it makes the  heartbroken person feel better. But it  is a  temporary  band aid at best. If these  things are not true, if  you had issues  that were your own, and  if it  is your loss more than it  is his, these things need to  be examined and confronted, for healing sake, for the purpose  of feeling  better in the long run and living  a better, more fulfilling life.

anita