Shelbyville

I am sort of in the same boat as you now, although mine is much more recent and involved 15 years of marriage. I kept thinking that because we live together still, because we still interact, because we have children, because she still has not made any moves to file for divorce that the door is still open.

Then one day, I had my normal “10 seconds of bliss as I wake up and forget what has happened and then reality comes crashing down” moment and I just said “Enough!”. We cannot control what they do. We cannot make them love us, miss us, want us. We can only control what WE do. I joined a gym and go 4 times a week. I hang out with friends that I haven’t hung around with in years. I do things without worrying about if it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings that I am doing it without them. I am living for me. I have cut all non-essential contact between me and my wife. Our conversations are very much business related now. I am living my life, because sitting around and waiting for someone else to come along and validate my life is depressing.

Now, this isn’t saying there isn’t a part of me that hopes really badly that my wife will see what I perceive as an error and change. But I am not longer dependent upon it. Life will go on. The sun will rise tomorrow, and I with it. I am making myself a better person, and doing so in such a manner that my wife cannot help but notice it. I clean the house from top to bottom, avoid past vices that got me in trouble (video games), hit the gym like I said, seeing a therapist. I am going to make this decisions much, much harder.

I would say in your particular case, you seem to have some stuff left unsaid for this guy. I would perhaps drop him an email. Do not be needy and desperate. Just tell him how you feel. Avoid the whole “I can’t move on” part, but just tell him how you feel about him and that you just wanted to tell him regardless of how he feels. Until I sat my wife down and said what I needed to say to her, I realized that I would forever wonder if I had left words unsaid that would have avoided this, or at the very least, made this less painful in the long run. Now, I know I didn’t. Whatever happens now is completely out of my hands, and I have come to terms with that.

Once you contact the guy, don’t contact him again. Let him contact you if he feels anything for you. And do not get your hopes up. He may ignore you entirely. He may give you a short “Okay” type response. He may come back at you aggressively (he might be mad about how it ended). You never know. If he does come at you mean or cold, don’t respond. At the very least, you will get to say all the things you didn’t get to when the relationship ended. And you never know what the outcome might be.

As for your anxiety and the like, I am a big fan of Lithium right now. I am currently taking that. Also, there is a device on Ebay called the “Bob Beck Zapper”. It’s like very, very mild electroshock type therapy. You place these things on your ears and you turn it up until you get the sensation of calm. It works so awesome. You feel giddy and happy for the whole 20 minutes you leave it on and it promotes brain growth. Exercise is also great for that. Just kinda tossing some ideas to get you over the hump here.

The sad truth is you stalled in the denial phase of grief it seems. But with a little help, you can get over that hump and be happy again. Start to daydream about those things you say are painful, but this time, just blank out the face of the person next to you. Or remove them all together. And repeat to yourself “I don’t need ANYONE to be happy”. It may be an outright lie, but you can fool your psyche into believing it long enough to move on at least.