Hello Anita,

To think that both of my parents just see me as a person, and not their daughter really angers me. I say both parents because my relationship with my dad is pretty much the same however, instead of pushing his problems onto me, he’s just not involved in my life. The only thing he talks about with me and my sister is work, and his view points on certain topics. It’s not about us, it’s about him. Sounds like I have very narcissistic parents and it really upsets me, because I do blame myself for their behavior and disengaged attitudes. To me, it’s crazy that they are so blind to their absence in my life.

Also, I noticed two things. As a child my parents never paid a lot of attention to me, but when they did whatever they said was a critic or judgment. For example,I remember when I was in middle school I was so excited that I had made it into Advanced Drama Class. I went over to my dad to share the good news, and his response was “Yeah, you are a drama queen.” It was the same with my mom, the only time she would pay attention to me was when I needed to fix something about my appearance. She would say things like “Nikkole, sit up straight, you’re slouching.” There’s just a lot of things that my mom would ask that at times seemed inappropriate, and very critical. She never asked me how I felt, what I dreamed of, and when she did she judged me for wanting that or feeling a certain way or just didn’t acknowledge it. If I said, “I’m feeling upset” she would ask why, but then go on to talk about something that bothered her.

The other thing I noticed is I tend to put my issues on whoever my significant other is. I don’t hang out with many friends so I don’t project onto them, mainly because I don’t feel 100% comfortable around them. I’ve noticed this for a while but never understood why I do it, and where it came from, but I see it a little more clearly now. I’ve somehow learned that this is “okay” or think that this is how a relationship should be, just projecting my own issues onto my partner. I also, unfortunately, feel that I see other people as just a person, and not someone who has feelings, dreams, thoughts just as I do. Which kind of scares me, because I don’t want to feel as though other people don’t have feelings and that they are just there. No healthy, deep relationships with anyone can be established if I just see them as someone to lay problems on.