Dear Nikkole:

A child needs to be seen before she can see herself or anyone else.

A child feels but needs to  see her feelings in the  face of her care taker, in her voice, in her touch. For example, the child is sad,  and the mother looks at the young Nikkole with a sad face, saying: you look so sad. So young Nikkole now knows what sad looks  like, she sees it in her mother’s face.

A child, to feel that her thoughts  and feelings matter, needs  for her caretaker (usually the mother) to show her that it is so. More of the  same example above: the child Nikkole  is sad, her mother says: you look so sad. Nikkole  feels visible seen and she learns  this feeling she  is having is called sad. Then the  mother asks her: tell me what  makes you sad? Or.. what happened in kindergarten today? And  when Nikkole  answers, her mother validates her sadness, saying  something like: we feel sad when our best friend doesn’t  pay attention to us anymore and  plays with someone  else.

So we learn.  But without such attention, we  are lost, unsure about ourselves, seeking help or rescue from other people, not being able yet to see  ourselves or others.

anita