Dear Nichole:

The reason you have empathy for people who hurt you is because a child unloved, tries really hard to be loved by doing the extra empathy. It is like this: a tree is set in a very dry ground, no water, so its roots grow deeper and deeper and longer and longer trying to reach water. A child without love, like a tree without water, grows empathy longer and deeper than otherwise, trying to reach love.

You wrote: “I feel that most  of my  issues in life have to do with not having  loving parents”- you said it right there, your parents didn’t love you, but then you added: “at least ones who made me a priority because they did love me”- my questions:

1. If they did love you, where  is the evidence  of this love? “I was clearly a depressed child and adult” and “I am currently suffering  from self hate, self shame” is evidence of lack of love.

2. You wrote that they  loved you but didn’t  make  you a priority. Let’s look at the simplest, most basic meaning  of the word love, which is intense liking of something. If a person  loves chocolate then the  person makes it a priority, when standing in  front  of a dessert table, to eat the chocolate desserts, correct?

I have no doubt that indeed “She was a sweet  and kind woman some times and  would do little cute things for you”, I have no doubt that at  times she  felt  affection for you, maybe strong affection, at times. But most of the time she was otherwise engaged, with other priorities, such as  making  herself feel better.

It  is comforting somewhat to think our parents  love or loved us, problem is that believing  something that is not  true such as this confuses us terribly, and as a result we are unable to tell love from non-love, so in your case, your mind plays games with you, believing someone who doesn’t  love you (based on their acts, such as repeatedly cheating on you and disrespecting you), loves you after all: “my mind plays games with me…It’s like I can’t trust my mind”.

Figure out where there wasn’t love, and you will be able to detect  now where  it isn’t and where it is.

I hope to read  more from you.

anita