Hi Dom

First of all, I would say that what you describe is not uncommon – many of us, particularly when we are young, place a great deal of value on how we are valued by others, and so feel the need to try to fit some imaginary ideal. So you are right in identifying that a first step is learning to love yourself as you are – and you are also right that it is much easier to say than to do.

At the moment, your strategy seems to be that if you accommodate everyone else’s needs, everyone will like you and you will therefore be more valued as a result. It sounds logical, doesn’t it? But humans don’t work that way. We take things for granted very, very quickly.

20 years ago, the idea of having wifi in our home or a mobile phone that would allow us to access the internet anywhere was just an amazing dream. Now, we get hacked off if 4G is running too slow for us to video call a friend in another country when we are on the bus. Every time expectations are met, expectations increase.

If, however, you start with certain expectations of how you deserve to be treated, this does two things. First, it demonstrates that you have some value of your own – that you are worth being with. And if you are more valuable, guess what? You become more desirable.

And secondly, it weeds out those people who just want to use you for what they can get out of you. Think of it as a “creep filter” – if he won’t put up with you having an interest of your own that you go to once a week, then it’s his loss, not yours.

I suggest starting with a few red lines of your own – things which you simply will not compromise on, because they make you feel good. Maybe you enjoy yoga, or pottery classes, or having your hair long, or short – whatever it is,  make it non-negotiable. If a man cares about you enough, he’ll not only accommodate it – he’ll encourage it, because he wants to be with someone valuable. And what makes you valuable is what makes you who you are – your interests, your sense of humour, your desires. It’s what makes you unique. If you lose that, you become much easier to replace. And that does nothing for you, or any worthwhile man you are with.

Awareness is the first step, and by posting this you are there now. You sound caring and kind – a wonderful prize for any man. So just make sure he understands just how lucky he is.

Good luck!