Dear N:

I am sorry you  lost your mom.

I re-read your posts from your “feeling lonely and alone” of Oct 2017, when your mother was sick, a few years at that point. You wrote then: “My moms okay to talk to but  she’s always taken  the ‘just don’t worry about it/ just be happy/ stop being sad’ approach. So even though I can talk to her  about what  I’m thinking it’s usually pretty short… I feel like she doesn’t really listen  to me… she doesn’t so much talk to us but rather just tells us what to do. She’s interrupted and  changed the subject but part  of  me thinks she’s not being malicious, she just won’t  focus on what she’s thinking about… even my dads started to be   like that.  He’ll definitely listen but  instead of recognizing there’s something that upsets me they just  wonder ‘why focus on  it when there’s so much else you can be thankful for?’ It’s helped a little bit but it’s just not that easy”-

It makes sense to me, that she  was  not  malicious when she  didn’t listen to you, when she interrupted you and changed the  subject you were talking about. I suppose when  she felt distressed this  is what she did, change the subject, distract, focus on doing rather than thinking, telling you what  to do, instead of engaging in a conversation with you about what you thought and felt.

It seems to me that both your parents  figured, if you don’t talk about it, it won’t bother you.  Problem is, if not talked, if not expressed, if no  one listens, things that bother you don’t go away. Instead they fester and grow. And a person not listened to, interrupted, shut down…  gets  angry.

I don’t think it  is possible to not be angry when you are interrupted and not heard, not be taken seriously. I don’t think you can help it even if the person not listening to you is not being  malicious, even if the person is sick and otherwise occupied… you still need to be listened to.

Sometimes people who are not listened to end up talking a whole  lot, it being  the urge to talk until someone does listen. At other times, maybe a person withdraws and becomes very quiet, having  given up.

“the all  is lost moment”- what if it turns into a something-is-found-moment, a sort of something important  that you need to say, and be heard saying  it, a sentence. I don’t know. What do you think?

anita