Dear Z:

A little summary  of what you shared as I understand it, please let me  know if I am correct: as a child you took on the role  of the parent to your parents: you felt overly  responsible for your parents, and when you saw them in any kind of pain, you felt responsible for it, feeling like you caused  their pain. You placed away your own needs and feelings and focused  on theirs.  They mattered, you did not matter. Your focus was on them, your aim- to make them happy.

Your sense of personal value has become, since  childhood, the affect  you have on others, how you make  them feel, their  good feelings make  you feel good, for a short while, before you feel alone and  empty yet again.

(But when they feel bad,  then you feel so very badly).

This guy, you had a crush on him, then you felt a need  to connect with him, so you did  (“I just really connected with him”), and you hoped for more, for “a whole  future”. When you found out your hopes are not likely to come true, you thought “this news is actually good news in disguise”, maybe because closeness, intensely desired, is also scary. So in dashed hopes there is perceived  safety, “I’m still a little emotional but so relieved“.

I think the relief is not only from no longer not-knowing, but from anxiety about intimacy. I see your challenge, when involved with a man  interested and capable of intimacy, is feeling empty and alone anyway, because we do re-live our childhood experience.

This has been my  experience and I find  the  healing  process that I am also still experiencing fascinated. It takes a long time, mindfulness/ attention and practice, but  my goodness, there is a way to change that childhood experience.

anita