In that regard then it feels like the piling troubles and shitstorm of grief that I’m in doesn’t feel like it’ll end any time soon. Essentially you’re talking about letting a bad day pass and then weighing the good days even heavier because the bad day is over. Like how people say you have to experience pain to get true joy. But the thing I can’t get anyone to understand is what do you do when you feel like you’ve just been on a slope, and there’s not many highs to even speak of? I mean I was so optimistic when I’d graduated in June, but like two weeks after that doctors said my mom was getting worse. Then I thought she’d get better going to the specialty clinic in August so all summer was alright. Quit my job, had a vacation, that was cool, then we find out nothing can help her. Then from September to October I was applying, still hopeful, but then came an avalanche of job rejections so then I was broke. Then I got my job back in late October which was cool, I get some money even though I don’t want to work there, and she died not even a week after I went back. I keep reading these things about being grateful for small things, but I feel like the only thing I have to be grateful for is being alive and even that sucks. It just feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, there’s no way out of this shitstorm, and how much things go up there’ll be more disappointments immediately around the corner. It just isn’t balanced. I know no ones life is great but for most for every bad event there’s an equal number of good. I feel like for me it’s highly disproportionate

And doesn’t that make me a shitty person if I don’t talk with my friends? Like I’m blaming them because my life sucks ass? I like them a lot but it’s just a constant reminder of exactly how much shit is going on. Plus in a way I’m tired of always being the sad friend. Like catching up is always “I’m dating a new guy and got a promotion what about you?” My response is mostly “same as always and I’m not dead.”   I really am trying it just always seems like it’s for nothing, and trying to explain that to people who just float through life and stumble upon good news is damn near impossible