@anita

Both my father and my mother were on the same page most of the times , and it even started from the simple stuff like washing dishes .

today I woke up earlier then my girlfriend , thoughts started running , my urges kicked in and I broke down , I just hugged and started crying saying “i can’t do this anymore ,this feeling tears me apart , I can’t stand not being able to love you like I did”  she hugged me back saying everything is going to be ok , and I’m going to be okay , but I just can’t , I can’t stand this feeling anymore ,even when I’m not with her right now I feel my throat and I want to visit her , she made me such a wonderful person and I’m taking everything I accomplished and throwing it to the trash , I’m such a mess .

and I can’t bring myself to believe in me or in the relationship , I’m telling myself that once I’ll be ok everything will be better but I just can’t bring myself to fully believe that , why do I have to make the mistake in order to learn ? I don’t want to realize how much I love her after we end it , I want to work on myself with her but it’s so hard , it’s like I can’t stop focusing the negatives thoughts , and that childish approach to love , searching for any kind of a good feeling in order to reassure everything is great , when in reality all I do is scare myself more , the only thing that is not allowing me to fully enjoy time with her is that tight throat and that back feeling that comes and gos, she’s my best friend and an amazing lover , first sign of struggle and my mind is bailing ? I hate myself so much for letting myself down over and over and over again .