Dear Lara:

Welcome back. What  you described is a knee problem and a shame problem. I do hope you receive a thorough and complete examination of your knees,  including MRI, this coming  year, very soon, and  that your knees are okay. It is possible that they are  okay even though you fell on your knees twice. And if there is some damage, I hope it is corrected.

The shame  problem expressed  in this thread and based on your previous thread, that  is the Voice in your head, that inner critic  (we  all have one) saying to you something like this (I will be using aggressive language because this is how I believe your inner critic talks to you):

-Now you want  to go to the doctor? Too late! You,  &^%, why didn’t you go earlier? Now what will a doctor do for you?! What a *&#^$^ you are!

(“‘now its too late, no doctor can do anything  now… shame that I didn’t go right away.. shame  was  worse, ‘what is any  doctor supposed to do now?'”)

Later that same  voice told you something like this: You are a hypochondriac, that’s what you are! This doctor didn’t take you seriously, this is why he didn’t give you a diagnosis and sent you with only an elastic bandage! No  one takes you seriously, no one should! And you don’t stand up for yourself, shame on you! Maybe if you explained better, your fault, what is wrong with you???

(“he  figured  me a hypochondriac and prescribed a kind  of elastic bandage… I ended up crying  outside of the street feeling like I didn’t  get any diagnosis and ashamed I hadn’t stood up for myself more, explained better”)

Regarding the planned medical visit of the coming new year, the  voice says something like this:

-You brought it on yourself!  Your knees are garbage, garbage I say! And it is your fault, once again, you bring trouble upon yourself, shame on you!

(“‘well you brought that on yourself’… ‘well that knee is garbage now. can’t do anything, will only get  worse”).

In summary: the good news is that your inner critic is not a medical doctor. You wrote about a doctor you saw, “maybe that doctor doesn’t have a specialization on knees”- neither does  your inner critic, it doesn’t  specialize on knees and  has no medical degree at all. It doesn’t  even make sense!

The bad news is that you live with that senseless voice in your brain, and that voice is hurting you repeatedly. It is of no help to you, only harm.

(I still have that voice myself, that  harmful inner critic, but way weaker and less frequent  that  it  used to be).

anita