Dear Lily:

During your childhood, your parents communicated to you that you are… bad news to them,  something bad that came  into their lives. So you wanted to jump “out of the window” so that they will be free from that bad thing that came into their lives.

When you felt hurt and cried, your father didn’t say to you: you must feel hurt. Instead he said  to you in  so many words that you had  the  intent to make  him feel bad, and that for that  purpose, you cried, “As a child I cried a lot. My father said.. that I was blackmailing him by crying”.

And so you “started crying only in my room without making noises and without anyone seeing me”, to  protect your parents from your bad intentions, from your  badness.

As the adult that you are, your choices and behaviors are based  on this core belief, that you are a bad person and should  protect others from your badness.

anita