Dear Aila:

I see the problem in this relationship and in your approach to relationship as the following: you are afraid to ask the man questions (“I’ve never felt comfortable asking any guy those questions, as I’ve always been concerned it would come off as nagging or rushing, etc”).

What happened is that you assumed things instead of asking. You assumed that “he’s not afraid to commit to someone” because he was previously married. But the fact that he was previously married does not in itself indicates he was not afraid to commit then or is not afraid now. Maybe he got cold feet after getting married, as in: what have I done???

You also assumed that “a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready”, not necessarily so, lots of people date when they are not ready to have a relationship.

When he became less responsive in the 6th week, you “waited a few days and then politely checked-in with him”- too polite, I say. When I recommend that you ask a man questions, I do not mean to ask in an interrogative way, like in a police interrogation with bright light directed in his face and so forth. There are ways to ask in a casual tone of voice, gently but also make the questions clear and direct, for the purpose of gathering information you have to have so to not be confused.

You wrote: “if I do/say all the right things in the right way, it’ll foster an environment to make him appreciate me more and thus allow us to grow to see if we’re compatible”-

To say the right things in the right way to one particular person,  you have to know who that person is, what motivates him, what scares him, what his life is like. To know these things you have  to ask questions and listen to his answers or lack of. You have to observe him over time in different contexts. To not assume, or if you do assume, to check your assumptions by asking and observing, then filing his answers and observations and continue to learn who  he is, over time, comparing new information with the old, listening to what he says and observing what he does.

Also, people are often conflicted, having contradictory motivations, this is why their behavior is confusing, confusing until we learn what the conflicting motivations are. The most conflicting motivations in the context of relationships is the need and desire to have a relationship on one hand, and the fear  of it on the other.

In the desire to have a relationship, men and women are often not most honest, behaving in certain ways so to attract the other person, to keep the person interested, appearing in a way that is not most authentic.

anita