Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

I re-read your posts, here is a summary and then my input:

You are a woman in your early thirties, physically beautiful, in great physical shape, a weightlifter. You met your boyfriend before you were fully divorced (now divorced). For the first year of the relationship you had a very high sex drive with him and you thought that he did too. The two of you moved in together and are still living together.

Following that one year of “amazing sex life”, the two of you moved to another state, and “immediately our amazing sex life started to plummet” and continued to decrease as the year progressed. You noticed over the past few months “less firm erections and no morning erections”, as well as not maintaining an erection the other night.

Your suspicions for the reasons for the decrease: he is cheating (physically, or emotionally), he isn’t attracted to you, he is bored, he has a porn addiction (no evidence to any of these). Your observations since the move of a year ago: he didn’t engage in sports, doesn’t go to the gym much, his diet is poor, and he gained a noticeable amount of weight and has  an elevated liver enzymes level (recent bloodwork). Since the move he has been paying most of the bills, providing for a girlfriend for the first time in his life.

He acknowledged a low sex drive on his part, suggested the reason is stress and mentioned erectile dysfunction in his past, but no details.

My input this morning: reads like he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction (ED). I imagine it is physical and emotional, both. Seems to me that it is not because he is cheating on you in any way but because he is somewhat depressed, not motivated to exercise and get in shape, and because he is inclined to suffer from ED and has suffered from it before. This is not a new problem for him. I think that he knows this is not a fixable problem, from his personal experience, at least he hasn’t been able to fix it, so he is not motivated to try yet again.

Maybe he feels comfortable that by providing financially for you, you will stay with him regardless.

The first year with him was exciting for you: you were going through a divorce, excited about the life after a bad marriage, there is this new man and a new energy was stirring in you. For  him, there is this hot looking woman, very interested in sex, exciting. Then the second year came along, the marriage is farther removed from you, you are in a new state and there you are with this man that you are now getting to know more of. In the second year you have less distractions and are observing him more, paying attention.

What you have now is a man in your life, no longer a new man with exciting possibilities. The excitement of the New and Unknown is gone. You may figure that you like some things about him but there is a lot you don’t like about him and you don’t want to continue the relationship after all.

His ED is likely to be a chronic problem as it often is. This can be verified, he can share details with you about his past. The two of you can see a specialized medical doctor on the matter. But again, his lack of being alarmed at his symptoms suggest to me he is familiar with those, nothing new to him.

What do you think/ feel?

anita