Hi Michelle,

I am listening to my wife, I would argue that this is the first time I really have in this entire issue as until Christmas I assumed she was just scared as she often is with new things. My response to her concerns regarding pregnancy, birth and raising a child was to say that every parent has the same issues and still go through with it, for the most part the all deem it worthwhile as many have more than one child. I see nothing unique about our situation that other would be parents wouldn’t  face, I am not on a great wage but I make more money than both my parents my entire life and though I didn’t get to do some stuff, I had a decent enough life. We have friends who make less than us but have a child and are happy albeit stressed as raising a kid often is.

I am not saying that I want to not get real sleep for 2 years, have to clean up pee, poo, vomit and any other messes made by the child. I do not relish the idea of not being able to go to the toilet alone or undisturbed for a few years or having no sex life for a long time. I do not want to have limited freedom because my time is taken up being a taxi for my kids or having to find money to pay for nursery or be a burden of my own parents when they step in to look after the kids for a while. But I would still put up with this stuff as all parents do because during it all is a child whom you love dearly, you get to see them grow up and help them make decisions and mature into adults. You’re there when they cry and you are the person they hurt but still stay there regardless. I see the arguments against having kids, but I also see the positives too.

I mean if you put down the negatives versus positives for most things I doubt anyone would ever do anything that wasn’t guaranteed. I see the hardships as being what life is about, nobody ever had an adventure by sitting in their comfort zone and nobody ever had a good story by not taking risks. I feel like my wife is seeing a long list of negatives and no positives.

While yes my initial thought is that she would stay home I am guilty of nothing more than being influenced by the culture I grew up in, this is still the norm. However it is 2019, I am not bound by it and I have already told her I would be open to adoption, and do not have an issue being a house husband and looking after the children. As for my financial plan it is the same as everyone else, save up and do your best. What other method is there? Many of the women I work with stand by their comment that you will never be ready and as long as you think you don’t have enough money/time/whatever you won’t. As long as you have enough to easily care for yourself currently then you make do as best you can with a child. That may not be as reliable as strict 12 step formula but it seems to be how most people manage to my knowledge and believe me I have asked.

We have both of our parents living nearby so it is not like we do not have support, my sister lives close by too. My work is very flexible and is made up predominantly of mothers who love how accommodating the job is for them. I could also work from home once the child is older. We also have many options regarding nurseries nearby as we live in a suburban area of a major city. I think we have options for how to manage the care of a child and make it work for us.

As for the job situation yes I know I sound erratic. The whole RAF thing was a dream, I would love it but never thought it would actually happen as I knew it was too much of a major change to our marriage, it was just the spark that started this thought process. When I suggested it to begin with I wasn’t even thinking about kids, I only really put the kids issue together with it when I realised she was wanting to draw a line in the sand over it and I have been holding off on that over kids and the RAF is just a job not a life’s plan.

I didn’t expect her to be ok with me joining the RAF and making such a huge decision without consulting her which is why I didn’t. What bothered me was that she made the decision to not have kids without consulting me until she had made up her mind. What really annoys me is that she knew how I felt about the military because I had told her from the first time we started dating that if my main career didn’t work out I would like to join the military. She was forewarned about this choice too whereas I wasn’t given a clue about her decision about children until 8 years in as she had actively kept it quiet. She had even told me multiple times id make a great dad and we had even discussed kids names. Though in retrospect I think these conversations may have been a little one sided. But I stress I see her as human so I am not too angry about not being told as she had hoped she would get the urge at some point and it never came. What bothers me is that she put her foot down about my idea even though she had been told beforehand. This issue is not really the point right now but thats why the RAF thing irritates me. It was semi serious as I knew it was unfair but the fact she was so adamant was a bit upsetting as the RAF was just a job, I have more right to be angry about not having kids than she did about me joining the military but I am also being a lot more understanding of it too.

I will accept she is the responsible one in the relationship, she can be quite controlling anyway I think largely due to anxiety not any kind of malice so I tend to let her do the official stuff because she would only double check my stuff if I did it anyway. I tend to be more optimistic and free and she tends to be a pessimist and rigid, but not always, it is not like we’re total opposites all the time. However in spite of being the responsible one she also feels very insecure about her abilities, this is one of the issues the counselor will be working with her on.

As far as I understand it her dream is pretty much what we have right now. A house, car, cats (maybe she wants a dog too) and be able to go on holidays once a year. My dream is pretty much the same but I see kids in there too. We don’t really want all that much but we differ greatly on this one point. She doesn’t have any other lofty ambitions or goals to my knowledge, whereas ever since I lost my dream job a few years ago I have a new dream every year. About the only constant things in all of my goals have been my wife and having kids.

We are currently in an odd place. Last night we had a very teary conversation and we talked about our feelings. I explained how much I love her and she did me, we really showed our cards and got it across that we are not on opposite sides of a conflict here, we both love eachother so much and thats why this hurts so much. We are currently in a bit of a suspended blissful ignorance stage right now. I expect it to end anytime but we are really affectionate right now and decided to just put this on hold until after the counseling. I also made it clear that though I am pretty certain I want kids I am not made of stone and if she is going to counseling I will too and will consider not having kids as an option. I am being as understanding as I possibly can be. The choice between the love of my life and no kids or a life without her and the possibility of never meeting anyone else that compares to her and still having no kids is terrifying and I am not coping. I keep breaking down in tears so I am now booking some solo sessions for myself to try and manage the complex emotions I’m going through right now.

My mother keeps telling me that my wife will change her mind, it actually hurts to hear as I do not think she will. And that thought feels traitorous. But I am holding on to a hope, my wife is doing the same thing. It is so odd to be so in love yet so conflicted.