Dear laelithia:

You could tell your mother what you shared here, how her frowning at you and smiling at your sister affected you, how her shaking her head at you and sighing (clearly expressing her disapproval of you in these ways) affected you, and how her telling you that you reminded her of her own childhood bullies puzzled you. You can tell her how hard you tried to get her approval, doing chores and getting good grades, but you failed to get her approval. You can tell her how you craved her positive attention, her acceptance, her okay-ing you so desperately, that this early desperation is currently fueling your anxiety and dysfunction in romantic relationships so far in your life.

But I do understand your difficulties with attempting to do so, you anticipate her acting as if she doesn’t know what you are talking about, question you, maybe shake her head again, sigh yet again, frown… yet again.

A good mother would listen to you, consider what you say, look inward, but she is very unlikely to do now what she didn’t do before.

Your mother has her record of your childhood, you have your record and the two disagree. For as long as you continue your relationship with your mother as-is, you join her in rejecting your own record, and so you don’t get to heal what happened there, in your childhood, and the core wounds keep bleeding.

These wounds came about in the context of a relationship, the relationship between you and her. Therefore these wounds have to be addressed in the same context, the relationship. No more memories on your part are required other than what you already shared (in first paragraph of this post).

This is what I see happening if you do bring this up to her: she rejects your record of your childhood, looks puzzled, doesn’t know what you are talking about, etc. This is what I see as helpful to you: following her reaction, you get angry that she once again rejects your own reality, your own experience, and you tell her how much it hurt and damaged you that she has done this all  of your life.

You tell her that you are done with her, that your relationship with her from now on is limited to pleasantries, “hello”, “good afternoon”, “may I talk to (father)?”,”get well” etc., that you will not have any personal conversations with her, will not spend alone time with her, see her during family functions, that is all.

You can also tell her that you love her, always did, always will, but you are doing this because someone has to believe you, someone has to take your record seriously, and that someone is you.

Regarding your boyfriend, or the word you use, partner, you wrote: “He wants us to be able to be open and honest with one another”. Did you tell him then what you told me, “To  be honest, I’m not even sure what is best for me… I don’t feel very attracted to him”- did you tell him that?

anita