Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. You’ll be pleased to know that I had this exact conversation yesterday with my mother, it was over the phone, but it went almost exactly as you predicted. I did get angry, and she said she “doesn’t understand what else I want from her” after she finally said “fine, I’m sorry I was such an horrible mother to you, I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much!!” And then said she was having another chest pain episode, which unfortunately is very real. I feel guilty on one hand that she got so upset and I have already triggered her physical health to decline before,  but on another hand I am glad I stood up for myself.

For a long time I couldn’t place why I was so stuck on the ex of 2 years ago, but I realized yesterday that he is by far the most like my mother than anyone I dated. Overly optimistic, carefree, only sees what they want to see, unapologetic, dismissive, twists the truth, divorced; but blame it completely on the other person, never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing or pain caused, always see themselves as the victim rather than the perpetrator, and lastly, with both of them, I could never “win” or “earn” them, and I blamed their behaviour on myself. But now I see, at the end of the day, how they acted was their, even if I was behaving badly. It wasn’t my fault.

I have in passing told my boyfriend about my feelings. I felt incredibly guilty doing so though, as he was very hurt that I don’t feel as attracted to him as he does to me, and as I did to exes before him. I feel so badly about this. I told him at the time I believed it’s because of my issues that I am only attracted to someone who doesn’t want a long term relationship with me, but to be honest I don’t know if that’s all that it is, and I’m not sure how to tell?

With my ex of many years ago, whom I owned a house with, I loved him and adored him completely, but again the attraction was missing. Oddly enough, we got back into contact a year or so ago, and now she is transitioning to a woman. I don’t know if this played a role in my lack of attraction, as this is a recent development and even she did not feel any issues from this in the past, or if it’s something deeper with me. Of all the men I have dated, the 2 that wanted a true relationship with me are the ones I had trouble feeling attracted to. Is it a coincidence, or were neither of them a match for me? How can I tell with my current partner if my attraction to him will change as I continue to work thorough my childhood issues, or it will never be there?

To give you an example with how I feel with him, it’s like this: I truly enjoy his company, I like to cuddle with him, hug him, kiss him on the cheek. But I don’t feel a desire to kiss him passionately, it feels “wrong” in a way. Not like I wanted to with the others. Physical intimacy is okay, but again, it is definitely not like it was with the others. Do you believe this is due to my past issues, or do you think we simply aren’t a match that way?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by laelithia.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by laelithia.