Dear Hella:

Here is your goal, what you stated that you want: “I just pray I can reach a level of calmness and confidence where I am somewhat detached from memories, and a lot happier because of it… to find ways out of victimhood, trying to change the way I think about myself in this”.

What is in the way of your goal of calmness in his presence and about him is that you are still hoping and waiting for him to realize that he did feel intense emotions for you, that what you shared was very special, and that he will be back to you for good: “It was always special to me to be with him.. I guess I thought I had found something that would last way way longer than it did”, “he felt intense emotions (I know he did”, “despite all, I am not sure he is NOT the one for me… it scares me to move away from that”.

The reason you “still feel weak in his presence, and that he has that power over (you)” is that you are waiting for him. Meaning, you will not be okay until he chooses you as his life partner.

“he acts like everything’s just fine and that I should just move on”, but you don’t want to move on, everything is not fine, you are still waiting for him to realize the intense emotions he felt with you, the special connection you made and to choose you.

You are still in love with him, and for you, he is on a pedestal as a powerful man who “owns it”, it being a group of friends, a group that “has arms and legs and is more of a social circle of around maybe 100-200 people”.

Back to your goal, the quote in the beginning of this post, to achieve that calmness it will take you giving up on him, no longer hoping and waiting for him to come to his senses and choose you as the one for him.

It will take you realizing that the facts that the two  of you were of the same or similar age, “from the same country who had also travelled and lived abroad, had the same  outlook and ambitions”, and “shared sexual experiences with such mutual attraction and intimacy” meant a whole lot more to you than they did for him.

You’ve been angry at him for a long time, and angry at yourself, and confused. If you accept the reality of the situation, clarity will replace your confusion, sadness will replace your anger, you will no longer see him as more powerful than he really is and therefore, you will no longer see yourself as his victim. Then there will be that “level of calmness and confidence” that you need and want.

anita