Hi Anita,

Thank you for your detailed reply. I think you are right, my mother will always do what she believes is best and right, not what I ask or need from her. I have been trying to make peace with this, as I know now more than ever that I cannot changer her, or anyone for that matter. I have taken your advice and tried to remain as cordial as possible with her, without going into too much detail about my life or my feelings anymore. That being said, I do talk to my father quite a bit about my life and my feelings, and because they are always together, she sometimes chimes in. I try not to pay attention to what she says.

I have been trying to make the link you have mentioned between my past relationship and the one with my mother more clear in my mind, as I would like nothing more than to forget about that past relationship, or at least put it to rest. But at the same time, I have so many fears attached to it, I can’t seem to let go. I know (I think most of the time!) that these fears are irrational, yet they still remain. For instance, I am terrified that I will never feel the way I felt about anyone the way I did about him, how attracted I was to him, how much I wanted to be around him, how happy he made me whenever we were together. I worry I will never find anyone else that was as easy going as he was, forever cheerful and in a good mood, even when I wasn’t. Someone I actually like as well as love, someone I find as intelligent, ambitious, fun, and adventurous. I am so saddened how our relationship unravelled, I have so much shame and embarrassment over how quickly I was discarded for someone new, someone I do not see as overwhelmingly “better” than me. I cannot seem to understand how he (someone I considered my best friend, my closest confidant and person I trusted the most) could end things the way they did. I’m worried that after 2 years, if I am still attached to this person in some way, after no contact from him, that I might always be.

I also worry about what this means for me going forward. As I turn 30 next month, and all my friends and siblings (younger and older) and extended family members are married or in serious committed relationships, I feel as though I have failed at something so basic. I simply could not make any of my previous relationships last, and there were many that I tried so hard to continue. I’m worried that heartbreak will always be in my life, and I worry that I will never experience a true connection with someone who loves me as much as I love them, who would want to be with me together forever. I’m not sure how to move forward with my life with these fears and still have hope for something better. Worst of all, I worry somehow by not making the previous relationship work, by not sorting out my issues and being more present, I have destroyed any chance I would have had in happiness and contentedness in a relationship with a man.

Even though it has been 2 years, it feels like only yesterday this person I was so infatuated with, that I adored so much, called me his baby and that if I was just a little patient, we could have the future we both always dreamed of. I know it is borderline delusional at this point, but it truly does feel like no time has passed at all.