Dear Ben:

In your first thread, Nov last year, you described a situation at work that has a lot  of resemblance to your marital situation. In that thread, a work colleague had a brain tumor. She and her husband damaged your motorcycle in the work parking lot but did not own up to  it, did a hit-and-run, basically. Other work colleagues sympathized with her because of her health issue and not with you. I will quote from you and then offer you my thoughts about the resemblance:

“This woman sits not 6 feet from where I sit at work, I will have to talk and be ‘pally’ with her all week, all month and all year… How can I be expected to just forgive and forget?… she essentially wrecked my property and got away with it and now I have to sit and play nice… I don’t know whether to confront her or just swallow it and move on. But how can I ever trust or even be warm to her again? And we have to work together.. I really do not want to have to deal with this but it feels like everyone is painting me as the bad guy when I think I am entirely justified… I’m infuriated that all I can do is accept it. It makes me so angry… It’s like I’m not allowed to be angry because she had this surgery. Even if I mention it people just react as if I’m blowing it out of proportion or being silly”.

Regarding your wife you wrote (in your second thread): “I had always been out that I wanted kids someday and she agreed with me but after 8 years she told me she didn’t and had lied this whole time”.

The similarities: your work colleague lied to you by omission and so did your partner at the time, wife  to be. The colleague wrecked your property and your wife wrecked your trust in her, your work colleagues painted you as the bad guy, expecting you to forgive and forget and play nice and your wife and her parents also paint you as the bad guy and expect you to forgive and forget and play nice.

Your work colleagues behaved as if your grievance is silly and what matters is her pain, not yours. Your wife and her parents also minimize your grievance, suggesting that all that matters is your wife’s pain, not yours.

The question you asked Nov regarding your work colleague applies to the situation with your wife: “But how can I ever trust or even be warm to her again?”

anita