Hi Anita,

Thank you for your message. I regret to report after taking some time away to think about and process what you have written to me, I am not doing much better. I am still plagued by daily (nightly?) nightmares of my ex disapproving of me in some way, or being with his current girlfriend in front of me, etc. and not much has seemed to help. I tried for a few weeks to totally refrain from checking up on their social media, but even then the dreams continued. The constant thoughts continued. I did some research, and there is a psychologist that calls this obsessive overthinking of an ex “limerance”. I suppose I have this. I am angry and embarrassed most of the time that I cannot kick this, that I should be able to given my expertise and knowledge in psychology, yet here I am.

I keep trying to reinforce the link you have suggested between this person and my mother, but it never seems to stick for me. I agree that they triggered negative emotions for me, but I do not feel my mother has nearly as much power over me as this ghost of my ex. I am able to stand up to her lately, able to do as you say and speak to my dad separately from her. However, I did not experience improvement in regards to the obsessive thoughts/feelings of my ex after setting boundaries with my mother. At this point, both she and my father have suggested that I start speaking to a psychiatrist (as psychologists have not seemed to help me) and that I begin a course of antidepressants or even antipsychotic medication. Keep in mind they are both pharmacists by trade, but for the most part, are heavily against any of us children taking medication. I suppose then my situation is a testament to how disturbed they feel I am to need it at this point.

My concern and worry is that even if a medication takes away these obsessive thoughts (which I doubt they would really), then I will only be masking my symptoms with medication and not truly healing.

I am so desperate to erase this ex from my mind and heart, but now that I am soon to hit the 2 year mark of our final separation and my symptoms have gotten worse, not better, I am truly afraid that I will have to live with these obsessions and regrets for the rest of my life. I am just as shocked and disappointed with myself as others seem to be that someone who should have so little effect on me has had such a negative destructive one. I am certain he never thinks of me, and when he does, it is relief I am gone. And yet here I am, still daydreaming about the moments we spent together, and how happy I felt. How I destroyed this, or maybe indirectly, my mother did by contributing to my insecurities and core wounds that eventually caused the relationship to end. In fact, that ex asked me many times to limit my interaction with my parents for the very reason that he could see the negative impact on me, but I didn’t listen. I was too set at the time on being the perfect, dutiful daughter. And now, I feel I have lost my chance at a happy, fulfilling relationship.

I have tried online dating again, but I cannot find a single person I am even slightly attracted to, not like the ex of 2 years ago. I miss the attraction I felt towards him, his easy going and positive nature, and that we were able to communicate to one another so openly. I have not found that in any man since, and I am starting to doubt it is out there anymore. I think the fact that he is still dating the girl he left me for 2 years ago and that they are seemingly very happy on social media is a testament to the quality of a partner he had. I simply brought out the worst in him with my constant insecurities and jealousness.

My days now are filled with getting by. I do well with my business and my clients improve and refer me to friends and family, I continue to try to mend friendships and even my current relationship which I believe will turn into a friendship, but I feel empty inside. I am not excited or hopeful for my future, but I am able to move forward in it. I believe my past held better days, and I try to treasure what I had and those experiences as much as possible, rather than focus on the sadness that they are now gone. I feel ridiculous feeling this way though, as I know from the outside I seem to have a very blessed and fortunate life. I wish I could feel this, but I simply don’t. I miss my past, and I miss not taking my opportunity to set boundaries with my parents (specifically my mother) when I had the chance with my ex 2 years ago. That being said, she was going through cancer treatment, and it was at the time a miracle she even survived past the 6 month mark. I truly believe that to this day, had she not gotten sick, I would have implimented these boundaries sooner, and perhaps that ex and I would still be happily together.