As a side note, yesterday after I figured my obsessive thinking/distraught state of mind could not get any worse regarding this ex, I check on social media. His new girlfriend posted a few videos of them and some friends (whom I used to know through him) skiing and snowboarding. In one of the videos, I could hear him talking, and it was if he was right beside me all over again. I would have thought maybe by now I would forget the exact way he spoke, but I did not. I believe this was a very bad decision on my part to see this, as it once again feels like it was just yesterday I heard this voice daily. But at the same time, I don’t know that it changes anything, as nothing seems to make the obsessive thinking better or worse. It is simply there from the moment I wake up, and even after I sleep in my dreams.

I have had many breakups before, each one seemingly as devastating at the time as this one, but this is the only one I cannot seem to process and move on from. The only one where I don’t believe deep down that I am better off without him. I try to come up with lists of why he wasn’t so great, or why we weren’t good together, but everything I write down seems phony as I know deep down none of it was or is a dealbreaker to me. Everything I believe we could have worked on.

At this point, we have not been together longer than we ever were, which in itself shocks me that I am still not over this person or the break-up. We spoke every day, even when we weren’t technically together, as well as spent time together. Separate from him, the only ex I ever spent that much time with was my first boyfriend, and I don’t seem to be upset over that at all. Maybe everyone has a feeling of “the one that got away”, but I just want mine to go away, so I can one day give someone else my full heart. My current boyfriend never got that from me, and I truly regret that.