Dear Ella:

I think of the “lesser self” you referred to is the part in each one of us that gets scared and rushes to do anything it takes to get rid of the fear. Some of us are more desperate than others, choosing ways that further harm us, taking in dangerous amounts of alcohol and other drugs, or food, and/ or over-exercising, injuring our bodies. Some will get together with other people, any other people, and do anything with another person just so to not be alone with the fear, to forget it.

When we disapprove of what we do to get rid of the fear, we call that part of ourselves that does those things our lesser selves.

It is very difficult to exercise self control when it comes to not doing what will take away the fear, even for a moment. Because fear is very powerful and so very unpleasant.

It is about learning ways that are not dangerous to us, ways to calm that fear. For example, exercising but in moderation, attentively, so to not injure ourselves. It is about eating in moderation and drinking in moderation. And getting together with other people who we approve of and doing with them only what we approve of doing.

But no matter what we do or don’t, we find ourselves eventually alone, afraid. No way to get rid of that fear. There comes the time that we have to say: here it is, this fear. How uncomfortable it feels, how very uncomfortable. But this fear will not kill me. As bad as it feels, if I don’t do anything dangerous, the feeling itself will not harm me. This way, we stop being afraid of the fear itself, and that means.. less fear.

As we learn and persist in doing what doesn’t harm us, as a response to fear, we build the feeling of confidence in ourselves, a feeling that we are in charge, that too lessens the fear.

No way to get rid of fear, but there are ways to lessen it, to be able to live effectively with the fear, to make sense of our lives even though afraid.

anita