Dear Butterfly:

I want to retell your story that you shared here and then offer you my thoughts:

You are in your 30s. Your family has been pressuring you to get married and have children. You’ve been in a long distance relationship for two years. You and your boyfriend lived together for six months at one time and for 2.5 months at another time, both times not in your country, or near your family. The two of you were planning to get married.

Following the last visit with him, you returned to your country and found out that you were pregnant. You communicated with your boyfriend about it and the two of you decided to terminate the pregnancy and that he will not be present with you during the termination because of the expense of buying a plane ticket and his difficulty leaving work in such a short notice.

You followed the termination procedure alone, on your own, on a Friday night. Thirty minutes after taking the second pill, you were writhing in pain because of the expected intense cramping and bleeding. You were on the phone with him. At midnight he asked you to mute the audio because “he couldn’t sleep and he had an appointment that morning at his doctor’s”. You told him angrily that you needed him and that if sleep was more important to him then he should hang up the phone.

He didn’t hang up but stayed quiet, “Not a word”. Later in the night you were screaming in pain. Later he said: “okay, really babe I have to go. I will my phone on and just call me when something happens”.

You are now angry and disappointed with him and you don’t know “how to proceed”.

My thoughts: you made a few rational decisions: to terminate the pregnancy, to do so quickly before you start a new job, to do so without the knowledge of your family, and to agree to your boyfriend not flying in and be present during the termination. It all made sense, logically.

You wrote regarding the decision that he stays in his country during the procedure: “I understood. I am independent and knew I could handle this  on my own”-

-but in every independent woman there is a girl that looks up to that prince charming in those fairy tales, coming in on a horse to save the damsel in distress. You understood rationally that it makes sense, financially and practically, to terminate the pregnancy alone, but you skipped the emotional understanding that you expected him, as a man, to be there by your side.

I think that you may have been angry with him before the procedure, angry that he did not buy that plane ticket so to be with you. And then, during the call Friday night, you got angrier.

I need to ask you if I am correct in my understanding at this point. If you reply we can continue to communicate on the matter.

anita