Brandy and Anita,

Thank you for answering. It’s been very useful to me to have an outlet like this, it’s unlike any other way I’ve tried to deal with my emotions. I’ve had some time to process my own thoughts, feelings and questions and the responses I’ve gotten to them here.

I decided, in the end, not to attend the common birthday party me and my ex were both invited to. I just didn’t see the point, and felt it was indeed worth risking those friends instead of being bullheaded about wanting to prove that I could go. I don’t remember feeling any particular way about it afterwards.

I did, however, by accident, and this can and will happen, run into him at a club this weekend. So this does happen, and no, I don’t actively seek him out. I want to go to good parties and clubs and we happen to like similar places (sometimes). It was a spur of the moment thing that I went there with a friend’s boyfriend, and sure enough, he was there. I had kind of decided that this day/night was going to be a good one so I decided to have semi-friendly chats with him. It all stayed that way until the end, and it wasn’t that bad. Until I hopped on the train and began to go home, there were nonstop tears. It’s just too much to go back to this city and relive all emotions in one day.

What really bothered me on the way home, and what has lingered the most I think, is the fact that I have felt SO alone during all this time, and especially the year after he and I broke up. I happened to glimpse one of our common friends at another bar, but things are just awkward between us now since I am no longer his girlfriend. This is the part that makes it hard for me to even consider moving back to this city. I feel a lot of emotions towards the people that were around during the time that he and I dated and the years after, who did absolutely nothing to show support. Just some time to listen or ask me how I was doing would have helped immensely. It is so uncomfortable for me to be this outcast person that had to rebuild her life, simply because I didn’t work out with their friend. And in this way I think I have blamed him for creating this situation, but I also started feeling ostracized by almost the entire city (which of course is impossible, but a group of it). It was the passiveness that got to me. So yeah, I don’t think that he knows the reasons I am so mad at him, it’s bigger than him. I can tell he’s been doing at least some thinking, which is good.

I guess I just wish there was a way I wouldn’t have to remove myself from a situation and city that was fun, important and meaningful to me, simply because it makes other people uncomfortable that he and I are not on good terms. Because I doubt that we will be, fully. I lived there for five years, and it saddens me to think I won’t have any good relations to come back to if I decide to visit.