Dear coconut:

If I was you, I would focus on one thing only, in context of the relationship with him and that is to not fight anymore, “being mean.. picking fights”.

No matter how anxious you feel, do not fight. Decide to not display any aggression toward him. Your anxiety does not excuse your aggression against him, it is wrong.

Now, about your anxiety: it happens when you were in a long distance relationship with him, seeing him once a week or so and it happens when you live with him, and you expect it to happen if you  break up with him.. in other words, you are suffering from significant anxiety that is not about him.

Did you attend psychotherapy, so to examine the origin of your significant anxiety, looking into your childhood experience with your parents and such?

anita