I have been going out for walks to think and wanted to share some of my thoughts with you 🙂

1) Although I could use better teammates, i wanted to find areas to take responsibility for. I have realized that as i work on the task given to me, if it feels like a lot of work i tap out. That is something i could work on – to match my effort with my expectations.

2) i blame my seniors for not planning our projects out properly and then in the end questioning me as to why it took so “long”. While i would love for them to improve their planning skills, I think I could work harder too. I expect to be treated like some of my peers which means i should be willing to work like them.

3) I have figured out what my mother has taught me – to not try to change your situation  as you may lose what you already have. She was afraid of losing financial support so she never left my father and also afraid of losing reputation – i am the same, i was afraid all this time that it if i leave the team i may lose what little good i get out of it, and things may be worse outside.

4) I am afraid to be honest. I would rather pretend to know everything than expose my flaws. Even at work when i was being asked to work on never heard before things, the lead was non existent in making decisions and guiding and instead of telling the truth i told my manager i had too much ony plate and he eventually halted the project. I was afraid to show them that i did not understand the technology. I feel looked down upon for backing out of it, and hold myself guilty for dissappointing them. I now realize that this was pretty much not my fault besides the communication.

5) Every time someone is praised for their skills i want to have those, that is probably why i feel drained out, because it gives me a huge list of things i don’t know and is overwhelming. I took some time to go over the things that i have done for the team/company and it is actually amazing that i did all that, coming from 0 experience and low self esteem. I need to take more credit for getting this far.