I actually use anyone I can find to deal with my self-doubt. Part of why i do not move forward is that I am never sure what  the right thing to do is or if i am capable of doing it. I guess it is fear after all. Fear of my ownself and how i would destroy my life. I think I am scared of becoming my father.

He changed jobs at what was a manic period in his sickness and after that it was one bad decision after another and it threw us into really bad situations. I am also scared that i am a bad employee because my mom always says she does not know how his last employer did not fire him almost 8 years earlier. That is where the fear of being incompetent lies. That i may actually be incompetent so i have to hide the flaws and survive. And that I may get fired like he did. Although they do not really depend on me now, i know that i have to take care of things like medical so i was always under financial pressure.

I think i do not have a passion or motivation – because i believe i am incompetent at living – lazy, unskilled and a burden. So i never bothered living actively enough to ever discover a passion. And how could i ever be motivated if my default mission in life was set to – don’t get caught at work, survive and repeat. I would naturally not be super focussed on moving anywhere if all it meant would be not getting caught in a new geographical location.