Dear Stargazer:

Reads to me that he is honest, conscientious and significantly anxious man, fearful of losing his sobriety again/ losing control, of not being a good parent, and more.

He turned to AA (it was formed by Christians and has a strong god/higher power element to it) to help him with his anxiety as well as to Christianity. What AA and traditional Christianity have in common is a set of rules (do-and-do-not), clearly stated expectations of conduct. a map or a guide on how to get from point A (struggles) to point B (peace of mind/safety) and a structure of meetings. These are very helpful to significantly anxious people.

He did show interest in you as a friend and otherwise (kissing and such) and he told you at one point that he “does want a relationship, it just has to be with the right person”-

-My suggestions: find out what church he goes to, for how long and how rigid or flexible their rules. Get a feel as to whether his church involvement is congruent with the future you wish to have with him as a wife and co-parent.

-Be a leader in the relationship: come up with reasonable, just, workable rules for him and for you, guidance and a structure for him. In that way you will be a solution for him (in line with the solutions he already chose) and not a problem.

Examples of rules within a relationship: have one romantic date a week, a date that will end .. let’s say at 9 pm or no later than 10 pm. Children will not be involved in that once per week date.

Another rule: in a meeting between you involving the the children, during the weekend perhaps, there will be no romance, no affection in words or conduct, no physical contact between you and him, and it will not be inside anyone’s home but in public, as in a picnic.

You can set rules regarding phone/ text communication, frequency and times within the day on weekdays and weekends, as well as later on, if a relationship progresses, rules regarding interactions with his ex wife.

What do you think?

anita