Yes, anita. I was looking for acceptance. To feel like I deserved to be on this earth and that I am not a burden. I always feel like I am a burden. I just realized that another reason why i would not ask for help was i felt like i was being a burden. I feel the need to offer something to people. So when I am given  something big at work – to me it also becomes a mission to earn acceptance that i belong there. That I am not a burden – that i am enough. But I decide i am unacceptable anyways which is probably why i never try. And if it is something insignificant – i take that as a reflection that I am not worthy. (My manager has some responsibility in this. Time and again he uses one flaw to completely leave a person behind)

My mother did not enjoy anything. I feel bad for her. She was taken prisoner if you ask me, put away by her own parents. But this is a part of the system so she never realized it. And it scares me to think I could have easily become the same person.

I was just a child looking for love and making my mother happy. I do see that. I don’t have a memory of me trying and there were times when she would listen and offer advice but I have countless memories of her not caring about my emotions. But when i was really down, even when she did listen and this was the hardest thing ever – she would say ” i already have enough to deal with your father, i can’t put up with you too if you get depressed”. As if I could choose to not be depressed.

And another thing – i used to recall this from time to time earlier but was buried away in my mind eventually. It came back to me just now – i had mentioned that I used to throw the tantrums, it used to be along the lines of “ah! I just want to leave this house”, it was said out of frustration and i never meant to attack her. I used to say this whenever i had had enough. One time, i was seriously scared about what would happen to us if my father lost my job (i think ending up on the streets was a fear that started around this time), when i think back to it i still get that dreadful feeling in my stomach – with this dread i asked her – “what will we do if dad loses his job” and she said ( i am being honest) – “we will just have to kill ourselves”. And when i looked shocked she said – “oh aren’t you the one that is always yelling about wanting to leave, why are you scared now”? She used that moment to get back at me. I did take her literally though and i still hold that in my mind i think.

It may not have to do anything with changing my core belief but i feel a little overwhelmed by the recollection so i wrote it here.

Girija