Yes. You have described the general mood around my house.” I am having a very hard time, you are useless, just do what you ought to do.”

I think tonight( it is day for you?)  was meant for me to recollect memories that were painful, so here goes another one – we were at the eye doctor ( i can’t remember the word for it and i am too sleepy to google) and my mother mentions getting me married. I was 19-20, still in college and was really stressed about finding a job at the time. When i mentioned to her that i did not want to, without caring to know why she said ” don’t add to my problems, i even have to get your sister married once you are done” – this made me cry in the waiting room.

But also there are times when she really is selfless. I mentioned that i had seen a therapist. I went to see her once a week for two weeks. It was my mom who pushed me to go as she said i looked like i had depression. The session used to go beyond an hour. My mother accompanied me for each of them as it used to get dark and she would wait outside the therapist’s room, out in the open, in the dark, sitting silently by herself. I had to mention this too. I may never be able to understand her or where she comes from or how the same person can be caring once and cruel the next time.. But there are things I must thank her for as there are things I want to blame her for.

Girija