Dear Girija:

First a summary of what you shared recently: your mother never apologized to you. When you were upset with her and “simply tried to get her perspective”, she didn’t listen to what you said and gave you her honest answers. Instead she told you: “you are simply looking to fight”. She didn’t allow you to express to her your problems, but on a regular basis told you about her problems, using you (and your sister) as “a dustbin for all her issues”, as “her microphones for all her problems”.

When you asked her what will happen if your father lost his job, she told you that you will all have to kill yourselves. When you appeared shocked, she said (paraphrasing): you said before you want out of this house, well killing yourself will get you out of the house!

At the doctor’s office a few years ago, when you expressed to her a problem you had with the prospect of finding a job, she said: “don’t add to my problems, I even have to get your sister married once you are done”.

You are thankful to her for pushing you to see a therapist when you were especially depressed and waiting for you during two sessions “out in the open, in the dark, sitting silently by herself”.

My input for you today:

1. In cartoons and in some movies, there are good people and bad people; the bad people are all bad, all the time. In real life, a person is never all bad all the time.

Please pay attention to this truth: every cruel person is sometimes kind to somebody. Your mother (and mine) are no different: there are times that they are kind.

2. Your mother gave you a clear message: I have problems and you are one of my problems!

She then told you all her problems but did not want to listen to any of yours. She was very selfish that way. And she hurt you a whole lot, causing you that depression you mentioned and your depression ever since, still feeling no joy and sometimes wishing you were dead.

She didn’t mind scaring you and then, when you showed fear, she hurt you further.

… When she waited for you in the dark while you were in the session, what was she thinking… “I have to do this, I have to wait here! I hate my life!”, perhaps?

* If you agree that you were a Problem for her,  do you see that if you no longer live with your mother, or anywhere close to her, you will be removing a problem from her life?

If you feel that you owe her for waiting for you outside the therapist office, twice, in the dark, or for feeding you and so forth, you can leave her and keep her on that life insurance you took, as a beneficiary in case of your death before hers. You can also figure out how much you should pay her for those two times she waited for you out in the open, in the dark and give her that money before (or after) you leave her.

What do you think, I mean, why are you living with this woman?

anita